“Things We Learned About Hawaii from Hawaii 5-0”, Episode 6, Ko’olauloa

This episode begins at Banzai Pipeline beach up in Pupukea on the North Shore of Oahu.  Sexy Yellow Bikini Kono sits with her friend and mentor Senior Surfer (played by real champion surfer Mark Cunningham) waiting for the perfect wave.  Hercules (Kevin Sorbo) emcees the festivities from the shore.  Senior Surfer takes the wave, makes some awesome cuts, but BLAM!  Super lifeguard Brian Kekaula pulls him to shore reveals that he’s been shot!

The investigation ensues, and Danno embarrasses himself by not being able comprehend the “bird” (Hawaiian pidgin).  My one and only beef with the episode, and possibly the series so far is that the actors need a coach for the pidgin… “eh you should wear flip flops next time, *brah*” was pretty painful.

Kono begins her side of the investigation and eventually meets up her ex-boyfriend, a guy who in no possible way would pass for a surfer in real life, so we’ll call him Iowa (Josh Dallas).  Iowa and Kono have a history of a deep, emotional…friendship.  Apparently his unruly and nappy hair and her retainers prevented them from having true and eternal love.  He takes her to his crib, which in most cases usually means a home run for the home team, but alas, home for him is a tent in the Beverly Hills of homeless camps up on the North Shore.  He whips out a picture of days gone by, a moment in time frozen where their youth is captured, he leans over to kiss her…and the moment is interrupted by… my wife yelling “DON’T KISS HER DUDE, SHE’S A CYLON!”  Their lips part not because of my wife’s warning, but because hooligans decide to ruin the party and the young, talented, homeless business executives scatter. But wait…Iowa scares them off with…a hunting rifle?  Did he take out Senior Surfer?!?!

Meanwhile, McGarrett, Danno and Chin Ho follow their own leads.  Their detective work is so super awesome that they find shell casings in scrub brush ten city blocks across.  I can’t even find my keys in my own house sometimes.  That leads them to Kapu gang-turned-legit leader Kawika (Kala Alexander, surfer and actual founder of a similar “protector of the land group” the Wolf Pack) who’s drinking Blue Hawaii’s at a bar.  A Blue Hawaii?  Seriously.  He might as well have been sipping tea with his pinky extended out, like a gentleman.  After the “We hate Haoles, but not the local ones so much” speech, he gives up the two thugs who may be in on the murder.  Those two braddahs [brothers] deny any wrong doing until McGarrett and Danno catch up with them in a car chase.

Back at the ranch, Kono now realizes that Iowa may have been the triggerman, which strains their budding romance.

Thankfully, more super awesome detective work slowly unravels the plot…Hercules is *not* Iowa’s father, Senior Surfer messed with Hercules’ wife and fathered Iowa!  I had a hard time wrapping my brain around that one!  The real triggerman is caught in the shortest police chase in history, and along with Hercules, go to jail.

All is well in Paradise again, and the surfers paddle out to Waimea Bay for the scattering of Senior Surfer’s ashes. Apologies are made, but Iowa, your window has closed.  Go home and collect some water samples.

This episode takes a look at the surfing culture in Hawaii, and I’d say it’s pretty accurate.  Some young surfing guns doing what they love to do and getting paid to do it eventually at some point go corporate and eventually turn into the businessmen they never thought they’d be.  There are groups like the Wolf Pack and da Hui [club or group] who are very protective of the land.  I see now the producers are trying to balance the bad with the good….yes we have homeless people, a drug problem, crime, and some racism but surfing is Hawaii’s gift to the world. The surfer’s tribute to Ian, led by the kahuna [spiritual leader] played by Butch Helemano and with Israel Kamakawiwoole’s Hawaii 78 playing in the background was beautiful to see.

And without further ado, Things We Learned About Hawaii from Hawaii 5-0:

1) If you didn’t catch it in the first few episodes, we hate haoles  (in all seriousness, this is wearing thin on me).  Local haoles we can handle. But the real Haoles, they stole our land, raised our taxes, built Costco. Oh wait, we like Costco. Local criminal Haoles get fair treatment. But if you from out of town Haole criminal, you will get your a$$ hung off a building or thrown into a shark cage.

2) All us locals surf. All us locals hunt. Some locals hunt surfers. Surprisingly, we don’t live in grass shacks and do notuse shells for currency.

3) Like bourbon is to a proper gentleman, Blue Hawaiis with pineapple slice and umbrella is the drink of choice for theroughest, toughest surfers.

4) The homeless people in Town are the methheads, *everyone* knows that! Up in the North Shore, the homeless are young, beautiful, affluent, albeit eccentric, with adorable children who are great with handicrafts and playing the ukulele.


About officer808

Investigating Hawaii Five-0 from the inside.
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One Response to “Things We Learned About Hawaii from Hawaii 5-0”, Episode 6, Ko’olauloa

  1. Jess says:

    Do you know what the one guy says to Danno and then McGarrett tell him that Danno doesn’t surf? It’s in this episode and I’ve been trying to find if anyone has mentioned it anywhere on the Internet, but no luck so far. I’m loving reading your entries and was hoping you knew?

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